Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Welp...herpes.
vagina is talking i cant
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
