apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
