there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
