Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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