Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
sarcasm needs its own font
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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