I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
