someone owes me an orgasm
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
