Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
