I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
