cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
