apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
