it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
