Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
