Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
and she was petting her beer can
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
