There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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