Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
