WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
