just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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