Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I got inside last night via doggy door
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
