When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
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