I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
