I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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