I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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