I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
