I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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