so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
