You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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