trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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