I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
