Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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