Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
