So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize