Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
