The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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