You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
