We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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