so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
third nipple confirmed
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
