no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
