I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
