his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
