ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize