fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
