Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
