i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize