maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
