a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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