i already hear my dad disowning me
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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