tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I wear drunk well.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize