Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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