Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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