im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
nutella sex= disaster
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
