Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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