Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Floor bacon is actually really good
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
